3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
