my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
