Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
