I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
