is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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