My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
