Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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