no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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