Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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