I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
