maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
