Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
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I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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