I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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