is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
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A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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