Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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