Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
