Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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