i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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