Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
