So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
