i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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