Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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