If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
