He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
