Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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