i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
