how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
