he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
