There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
