I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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