He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
