you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
