Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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