I hate all girls vehemently.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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