had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
