Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
