i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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