im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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