she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
