U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
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