I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
