I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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