This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
