but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
