He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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