Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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