I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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