If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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