My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
