WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
