I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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