I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
