I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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