He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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