I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
