I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me