The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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