Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
