i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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